Children Of Today And Their Struggle For Power - Part I

In other articles I have often discussed how important it is for parents to examine their values and to transmit those values to their children by setting limits for them. Many parents begin with good intentions in this regard, only to find that children of today are very clever at negotiating, manipulating and wheedling their way out of those very limits. In the end, the children wind up behaving in the way they'd like, and the parents wind up bewildered and helpless, at a loss to explain how they ended up "giving in" once again.

One of the most common manipulative styles is the child who tugs at his parent's heartstrings after they've set a limit. The "heartstrings puller" is a child who, sure of his parents' love and aware of their need to be loved by him, will pull out all the emotional stops to get what he wants. Let me give you an example:

Teddy had gotten into the habit of playing Nintendo every afternoon after school, in spite of the fact that his parents wanted him to do his homework first. Initially, Teddy insisted that he'd adhere to a time limit with Nintendo and get his homework afterwards. Gradually, however, it was clear that homework was taking a back seat to the game playing. Teddy would delay homework as long as possible, then rush through it, making mistakes and ultimately handing in very sloppy work. His mother and father valued a good education and wanted Teddy to do his best, so they told him that unless he could adhere to the original time limit, they would take Nintendo away during the week. The following day, Teddy again procrastinated about his homework, and became overly absorbed in his Nintendo game. His parents, amid loud protests from Teddy, took the game away and hid it. Teddy was immediately contrite. His eyes filled with tears as he exclaimed "I'm so sorry. You were absolutely right to take the game away. I didn't adhere to the time limit, and it was all my fault. I'll never go against my word again." With that, he threw his arms around his parents, declaring "I love you. You still love me, right?" Well, his parents hearts melted on the spot! Digging the Nintendo back out of it's hiding place, they returned it to Teddy, reassuring him that they did indeed still love him, and wasn't he a good boy to have learned his lesson so quickly. While Teddy finished up his homework that night before playing Nintendo, the next day he was back to his old style of doing things once again.

Teddy's parents made a common mistake. Wanting to believe that young Teddy had learned his lesson, and feeling concerned that he might think they didn't love him, they took back his consequence too soon. Rather than Teddy having to earn the right to play Nintendo by taking responsibility for his homework, all he had to do was show remorse, act contrite, and tug a few heartstrings to get his privilege restored. Teddy learned a