Children Of Today And Their Struggle For Power - Part II

The intellectual child gains power by thinking through issues prior to presentation and having firm arguments ready ahead of time. These children are resourceful, intelligent, logical and, more often than not, outwardly respectful towards their parents as they proceed to find chinks in the armor of their parents' values. Let's look at an example to clarify.

At fourteen, Sue wanted to start dating. Her parents had already told her, however, that she had to be sixteen, so she began gathering information with which she could plead her case. She discovered that her parents had gone behind their parents backs and dated at age 15. She knew that half her peers were allowed to go out if they went in a group. She learned that many kids at her school went out alone with a boy at age fifteen. She looked up movie schedules, and found movies that she knew would be acceptable to her parents and which began almost immediately after school on Fridays, so she could argue that she'd be home early, without them worrying. Armed with her information, she scheduled a time to speak to her parents and presented her case. When she finished, she suggested that they take a few weeks to think about it. Maybe they could move slowly and she could begin going out to the "after-school movies" on Fridays with a group of kids when she was fourteen and a half, then at fifteen she could go alone with a boy. When her parents began to argue that fourteen and fifteen were too young, Sue calmly reminded her parents that they had begun dating (albeit behind their parents' backs) at age 15, and that she wasn't interested in sneaking around, she was asking permission. She urged them to express their concerns, that she'd be happy to hear what they were, and perhaps she could put them to rest. By the time Sue was finished with this initial "meeting" her parents had already agreed to let her begin going out with a group to the Friday movies. They didn't even take the two weeks to think about it.

This type of child is to be admired in many respects. Their logic is often flawless and the degree to which they've researched their arguments is admirable. Here's the problem: when parents back down on a limit that has been carefully considered and which is based on solid values, the child winds up thinking that they're smarter than their parents. Often they develop a sense of disdain, and may privately roll their eyes when talking to friends about their parents, saying "I can talk my parents into anything." This attitude is indicative of a child who has too much power.

So what could Sue's parents have done? How do parents of "intellectuals" avoid setting arbitrary limits, maintain a respectful attitude towards their child's intelligence and still send a strong, clear signal about values?

First, it's always a good idea for parents to take time to think about any proposal a child makes. A week or two can give parents