I Don't Have Any Friends

"I took my daughter to school for her first day. We got to the schoolyard, and her class isn't very big, and the girls were all huddled together, chatting. My daughter walked up to greet them, and they were so mean to her. Catty and cruel - you know how girls can be. I was furious. My daughter came home crying that day, and I just don't know how to help her."

"I watched my son in the schoolyard and it was so clear that he was having difficulty breaking into a group. Several boys were playing basketball, some others were looking through their Pokemon cards, others were standing talking. My son just drifted from group to group, stood there a minute, and when they didn't ask him to join them, he wandered off. It broke my heart."

Kids can be cruel, they can exclude others, and at the beginning of the school year, when it's likely your child's new classroom contains new faces, there is often a period of adjustment before children settle into new relationships. It's during this "settling in period" that painful feelings are likely to erupt for both parent and child. What can parents do?

* Separate your feelings from your child's experience. Ask yourself, "Is my child verbally complaining or expressing upset feelings about the situation? Does my child's body language indicate unhappiness?" These are important questions because sometimes parents witness behavior on the part of their children's peers and interpret that behavior based on their own unpleasant experiences. For example, when you were a child if you had a difficult time making friends at the beginning of a school year, it's likely that you'll be more concerned about your child making friends than would a person who made friends easily. Separate your experience from that of your child - if your child isn't verbally complaining, if he seems content and happy to go to school, then you may be projecting your past experiences and feelings about those experiences onto your child. Step back from the situation and give your child space - it's likely he just has a different style of making and keeping friends than you do.

* Listen to your child. If your child is verbalizing distress, or if it's clear from her demeanor that she's having difficulty making friends or breaking into a group, then listening to what her experience is will be crucial to helping her. While most parents believe they know how to listen, in reality they frequently do more talking than real listening. True listening involves setting time aside to be with your child without outside distractions. It involves watching your child's body language carefully as she talks so you can more fully understand what she's experiencing. It involves not interrupting - with your advice, suggestions, or comments. Instead, ask well-placed questions such as "Then what happened?" "How did you handle that?" "What do you think you want to have happen here?" "Is there a way (or different way) to approach this?" In addition, it's important to let her know