The Parent You Want To Be

If you've been reading in these articles you have beguan to come up with ways to make yourself a more effective parent. Perhaps you've used some of the tools with success, and if so, congratulations. It's also possible that some of the tools have been difficult to implement...maybe you've read them, thought they'd be helpful, but in your rush to get the kids off to school that morning, you threw the paper out. Or maybe you just felt too tired and irritable that day to try something new, and yelling was easier and at least seemed to work -- after all the kids did do what you asked, albeit resentfully. Today I'd like to talk about some of the things which stand in the way of our being more effective, loving parents, with the hope that these insights will help you more successfully use the tools you will continue to read about here, or in other places.

Perhaps the most formidable obstacle which stands in our way as parents is our personal history. By that I mean the way we were raised by our own parents. Time and again, people come into my workshops and when asked why they're taking a parenting course, they say "Because I don't want to do it the way my parents did." Yet they find themselves confused and bewildered, because in spite of their best intentions, they hear the very things their parents said to them coming out of their own mouths when they talk to their own children. Why is that? Like it or not, the way our parents raised us is deeply ingrained in our subconscious. So deeply, in fact, that the memories may never even surface. When we are stressed or frustrated or tired, our brain automatically draws upon those hidden memories of the way we were raised, particularly if we have not learned an alternative way of disciplining or communicating with our children. Hence, we hear our mother or father's voice coming out of our mouths, yelling, punishing, belittling, or any one of a number of things we told ourselves we'd never do or say. Afterwards we may even go a step further and justify our behavior because we really feel a little guilty. We may say to ourselves, "Oh well, I turned out O.K., so my kids will too." And in justification, we perpetuate the cycle.

Parenting today is a difficult task. More difficult than the one our parents faced. The widespread use of television, the availability of alcohol and drugs, these are the things which make parenting today different and more difficult for us than it was for our parents. Yet even with this knowledge, even knowing that the "old" ways won't do, even with our best intentions not to duplicate the parenting which we had, we continue to rely upon "instinct" and / or reacting the way our parents did and hoping that these old ways will get us (and our children) through it.

So it's not just our personal history which keeps us stuck in old molds. Even when