Talking To Your Children About Death

"We took our cat to the vet for a check-up.
Everything was fine, but when we brought him home and opened the travel
box that he was in, he was dead. What do I tell my daughter? It was her
cat."

"I know it may sound ridiculous, but my son won a fish at a
street fair, and three days later it died. He absolutely fell apart.
About a fish! I don't know what to say to him."

"My husband died last night. How do I tell our son?"

When a child experiences the death of a person or of a beloved
pet, it can be a heart-wrenching experience for everyone. As parents,
there are many things we can do prior to our children experiencing this
kind of loss which can help them understand death and ultimately ease
the heartache when they experience it.

The topic of death is difficult for most people. It is
something most of us would prefer not to think about. It brings to mind
our own mortality, perhaps, or reminds us of the grief we've
experienced when someone we loved died. Because it is so difficult to
think about, most parents wait until their children experience a death
before confronting the issue and discussing what death means. This is a
mistake. Children have more difficulty processing the "why" of a loved
one dying when they are in the midst of coping with the shock of the
event itself. In addition, when someone or something your child loves
dies, it's likely that you will grieve too. Many parents, caught up in
their own grief, fail to recognize their child's needs and to support
their children through the grieving process.

Just as you teach your child about the other issues that life
presents, so too must you teach your child about the end of life. There
are many opportunities to begin this education. The seasons of the
year, for example, provide an excellent medium to discuss the
beginnings and endings which are a part of life's cycle. You can also
look around for "teachable moments": a dead bird on the street, a
neighbor's dog dying, a moment on a video to which your child has been
exposed - all of these can provide a springboard to introduce whatever
your beliefs are about death to your child.

In addition, at various times in their lives, children
experience curiosity or concern about death. These, too, are
opportunities to explore the meaning of death with children. For
example, when your three or four year old becomes obsessed with
graveyards, and wants you to stop the car on your family vacation so he
can stare solemnly at tombstones, it is your chance to recognize his
curiosity, to ascertain whether he has any questions, and to explain
your views about death based upon your religious beliefs. When your six
or seven year old suddenly becomes concerned that you will die when
he's at school or asleep, this is an opportunity to acknowledge his
feelings of fear, to explore with him what death means and how we can
handle the uncertainties which life presents. It is, of course, also
important to reassure him that your death is not imminent.

When you talk about the topic of death with your child be sure
to speak in a