Friendship

Many parents express intense concern over the way their children treat and are treated by friends. From "my child's so bossy, I'm worried that she'll never have any friends," to "my child doesn't stand up for himself, he always does what his friends want," and including "my child came home crying because his friends wouldn't let him join the soccer game," children's social lives, the form that they take, and the way in which they develop worry and distress parents.

"Kids are so cruel, won't that affect my child's self-esteem?" "My daughter was treated poorly by one of her friends one day, and the next day she turned right around and treated another child in exactly the same way - didn't she learn that it hurts when people treat you that way?"

In order to understand the development of friendship, and the way in which children grow socially, we must look at a couple of factors - how a child's age determines what type of social interactions he will engage in, and how gender might also influence your child at a particular age.

In general, toddlers and preschoolers move from parallel play (playing side by side without interacting) to interactive play (playing with another person). Their friendships are largely a matter of who is playing beside them at a particular moment, or who wants to play the same thing that they do. Thus, many times boys will be friends with boys and girls with girls. This is not to say that young children don't form intense or specific relationships with others their age, or that a boy won't be friends with a girl, simply that many of their friendships are determined by circumstance. This age is still impulsive and egocentric - thus the common concerns parents have are about pushing, hitting, and other aggressive outbursts that "friends" engage in and that their child will never learn to "share." In general, there are no long range effects from "friendship behaviors" at this stage. Parent's needn't worry that their children's self-esteem will be effected. Likewise, the behavior which is typical of this age won't usually carry into the next stage of development. (In other words, "yes" your child will eventually share, and "no" most children do not continue to hit their friends when they grow up.)

As a child moves into elementary school, friendships begin to form which are less a matter of circumstance and more a matter of personal preference. However, many times children will still choose for their friends children who are in their classroom. Elementary school is a time of intense social experimentation. From Kindergarten through 4th or 5th grade, children will be rude, mean, and occasionally aggressive with their friends. They are not, in general, concerned with destroying their relationships though because the unspoken understanding is that everyone is experimenting in similar ways. This can often be confusing to a parent, whose child may come home devastated because their "best friend" dumped them, only to turn around the next day and want a play date with that same child. In