Discipline VS. Self-Esteem: Mutually Exclusive Or Inseparable?
On November 7, 1997 I walked into one of my workshops - my "advanced" group, most of whom have been with me for at least several years. I was greeted with exclamations of confusion and bewilderment, resulting from an article appearing in the New York Times on that date entitled "When Parents Decide To Take Charge Again." In case you didn't have an opportunity to read the article yourself, the gist of it was that many parents are disillusioned with the "psychologically correct mode of discipline" -- concerned that "appeals to the child's better side" in an effort to promote self-esteem and help the child feel good about himself are resulting in more disorderly conduct rather than less. It suggested that parents were emphasizing high self-esteem at the expense of respect for others. Further, the article implied that a return to spanking might be the answer, provided that it is "used rationally on children between 18 months and 6 years old and in the context of a warm and engaged parent-child relationship." My dedicated, concerned group of parents, who have been working for years on alternatives to physical punishment, and most of whom have extraordinarily challenging children challenged me with the question: "Are we giving our children self-esteem at the expense of discipline?" Since that date, every group I've met with has raised this concern, wondering aloud if they should spank their children. In addition, my phone has been ringing off the hook booking me to speak to the parent bodies of various schools on the topic of "Discipline." While I'm grateful to the Times for providing me with extra work, I feel that this type of irresponsible and ill-researched reporting ultimately does more harm than good.
For one thing, discipline is a key component of high self-esteem. The two are not mutually exclusive, rather they are inseparable. Discipline refers to how parents set limits for their children. These limits help children define who they are. Only after discovering who they are can they then feel good about that person. Adhering to parental limits helps children feel confident and capable about themselves, and promotes an "I can do it" feeling. Limits also give children a feeling of safety, a knowledge that mom or dad is in charge. With that safe feeling, children then feel comfortable exploring their environment, which helps them learn, grow and become independent. Further, contrary to the article, children who feel good about themselves do behave better than children who feel bad about themselves.
Children whose parents have integrated discipline with self-esteem building are rarely rude or disrespectful. For one thing, they understand from a personal point of view what it feels like to be respected, and go out of their way to respect others. In addition, their parents have set limits when their behavior is disrespectful - both recognizing the child's feelings that are behind the misbehavior while providing logical consequences for the behavior itself. Thus, the child also knows that there are consequences for rudeness.
Many times parents (and, I guess reporters and even certain psychologists cited
