Combating The Influence Of Peers In Our Children's Lives

My daughter came home from Kindergarten the other day, slicing the air with her palms, kicking the air and yelling "HIIIIIIIIIII-YAH!" Turning to me, she smiled and said with a gleam in her eye, "I'm going to 'Karate' the table, Mom." As I have never introduced her to the idea of "Karate-ing" anything, it was clear that peer influence had begun.

For most of us, friendships are reciprocal. We influence and are influenced by friends. Our children are no different. As they make friends at school, their behavior is influenced by these friends. This is to be expected, even welcomed. The broader the range of peers, the greater the adaptability to different social situations.

But peer influence has a dark side as well. Many parents harbor fears that one of their children's "friends" may be exerting more influence than they feel comfortable with. Most parents would prefer that they, not peers, exert the major influence in their children's lives. For this to be possible, however, parents must know some fundamentals about self-esteem.

In their article "On Kids and Confidence" published by Childcraft, Garber, Garber and Spizman describe the influences upon a child's self-esteem as taking the shape of a pyramid with four levels. In this paradigm, a parent's unconditional love for their child forms the foundation of the pyramid. The second level is composed of the child's daily accomplishments. Level three involves the feedback which parents give to their children, and finally, the fourth level, or top of the pyramid, is what a child's peers think of him or her.

When visualized this way, it is easy to see that the broader the foundation of the pyramid, the smaller the top of the pyramid is proportionally. Thus, if a parent can create a large enough base of unconditional love, peer influence will have less weight in a child's life than if the foundation of the pyramid is narrow.

With infants and small children, most parents have little trouble expressing unconditional love. However, things may change when a child enters school. Upon entering school, a child begins to be judged by the school "system" on the basis of his accomplishments. In order to feel involved, parents may take on that judgmental attitude, believing that involvement and concern means judging their child on the same basis that the "system" does. Statements like "He's great at math, we just need to get his spelling up to par" send the message to the child that his parents are judging him based upon his behavior, accomplishments or actions, rather than upon WHO he is as a whole person. Suddenly, the child begins to get the message that his parent's love is conditional -- and the base of the self-esteem pyramid becomes smaller.

So how do we convey unconditional love to our children and broaden the base of the pyramid?

The first way is to listen. Children who feel listened to come away feeling that what they had to say was worthwhile. Believing this, they feel good about themselves.

But listening is not necessarily easy. It is a