Can Johnny Come Over To Play?
"I have a problem with one of my son's friends. He has absolutely no respect for the "house rules" when he comes over to play. After every playdate, the place is a wreck, with toys all over the place. He never picks up after himself, and my son ends up completely overwhelmed with the clean-up afterwards."
"My daughter has a friend that I like, but sometimes she does sneaky things when she comes over for a playdate. For example, she'll take one of my daughter's toys and hide it, then say `innocently' that she has no idea where it is and even pretends to help my daughter look for it."
When our children choose friends who behave in ways that violate our values, it can create some tough choices for us as parents. I'm not talking about shockingly inappropriate behavior. Obviously, if the behavior is extreme, you'll have to insist that your child not see that friend. But most children's behavior isn't so outrageous that parents would be willing to completely "ban" him from the house. At the same time, it seems difficult for many parents to enforce the rules that communicate our values with someone other than our own children.
Truthfully, enforcing the "house rules" that communicate your values should not be so different with your child's friends than with your own child. The key in both cases is to communicate your expectations respectfully, honestly and clearly, and to set up ahead of time some well-defined consequences for rules that get broken. Let's look at the different components that will help you communicate your rules or values to your children's friends.
* Respect. Many times parents feel doubtful about enforcing "house rules" with a child's friend because the way in which they speak to their child is not the same way they would speak to another person's child. "How many times have I told you to put the games away before you get out your art supplies? Aren't you ever going to learn?" or "I can't believe you'd hide something and then pretend you had nothing to do with it! When are you going to start being honest?" are not things one would feel comfortable saying to a playdate. Yet often this is exactly the way parents speak to their own children. Likewise, many parents use a different tone of voice with their own children - tense, loud, angry - to communicate that they are "serious" and mean what they say. Clearly we cannot speak to someone else's child in this manner. So often, parents simply say nothing at all to the visiting child. This is a mistake. In remaining silent, we send the unspoken message to our children that we don't have enough conviction in our values to enforce them across the board. This is not to imply, however, that you should scream and yell at your visitors. Rather, begin by practicing a respectful tone of voice and using respectful words with your own children. You'll probably find that you can get effective results without yelling and being harsh. With
