Battling the Bedtime Blues - Part III

In Parts I and II we've been talking about children who have trouble staying in bed. We discussed setting up a consistent bedtime routine, eliminating sugar, caffeine and television, and defined an effective disciplinary technique for the challenging child. In this article, we're going to discuss children who express fear at bedtime.

By about age fourteen months, many children develop nighttime fears. According to Frank and Theresa Caplan, in their book "The Second Twelve Months of Life", this occurs because children at this age become capable of playing imaginatively. When this happens, they have the ability to "...play out scary characters in dreams and nightmares..." They further suggest that it's not until about age four that a child will be capable of distinguishing fantasy from reality.

When a child is afraid at night, a consistent bedtime routine and the elimination of television prior to bed become crucial elements in easing his fears. The bedtime routine will give him a sense of security and the elimination of television will diminish vivid images which may prey upon his subconscious and turn into nightmares after dark. Once you've instituted these two steps, and if your child is still expressing fear, it is time to take action.

First of all, it's extremely important that you do not belittle, deny or ignore your child's fears. Likewise, it is important not to make light of her fear, even if you believe it is more of a manipulation technique than actual fear. Many parents fall into these patterns because they believe that if they acknowledge that their child is afraid, they will validate the fear and somehow make it more "real". However, acknowledgment of a child's feelings works in just the opposite way. Once a child feels that her parents are sympathetic, she feels safer, because, after all, if her parents truly understand her and they're not afraid, then maybe there isn't anything to be afraid of after all.

So, when a child expresses fear, the first step is to verbally acknowledge that fear. It's important to remain tentative in your acknowledgment, however, so that if he's not feeling afraid, you won't unknowingly plant that seed. Acknowledgment of fear might sound something like this: "Seems like you're a little scared," or "You sound afraid." When the child agrees, you can reassure him that it's safe, being careful not to deny his fear. You might say something like "This apartment is safe. You do sound afraid though." You might even add, "I guess sometimes nighttime is a little scary for you." You'll probably get agreement from your child throughout this process of acknowledgment. He may even escalate his fearful behavior, clinging to you or burying his head in his covers. Don't despair! While it may seem as though you've made matters worse, letting him know that you empathize is a crucial part of this technique. Don't skip it!

When you've acknowledged your child's fear (and I suggest that you verbally acknowledge her fear at least three times), the next step is to ask her if there is anything she can