Battling the Bedtime Blues - Part 1

The holidays are over, and you have returned home from visiting the relatives. It's half-past nine in the evening and you've just put your daughter to bed. It's time to prop up your feet and listen to the new CD you got and relax. You close your eyes and...

"Mommy? Can I have another hug?"

You give her a hug, and send your pride and joy back to bed. You close your eyes once again and...

"Mommy? I forgot to tell you something..."

Why is it that at nine in the evening, the pitter-patter of little feet that you so yearned for before having children is more like fingernails on a blackboard after you've put her in bed?

For many parents, bedtime presents the ultimate challenge. Even parents who seem to have conquered its intricacies tend to find that after a vacation, or having visitors, the dragon once again rears its ugly head, and numerous evenings thereafter are spent trying to get a reluctant or stubborn child back to bed.

To conquer the bedtime blues, it's important to understand that our children resist bedtime because they have developed a sense of the world as being separate from themselves. Prior to that development, a child believes the world revolves around him -- when he opens his eyes, the activities of the world begin, when he closes them, the world ceases to exist. But once that important developmental leap occurs, a child knows that when he falls asleep the world will continue to exist, and therefore, closing his eyes might mean missing something very important. Most children are very reluctant to have that happen, hence the repeated getting out of bed.

When does this occur?

The first step in making bedtime a more pleasant experience for you and your child is to develop a bedtime routine. Older children can help in developing this important aspect of bedtime, younger children can simply be told what the "routine" will be. Many times, simply instituting a routine will so comfort a child that she will not get out of bed once she has been tucked in. (For what to do if the routine by itself doesn't work, see next month's issue!)

There are three components to a successful routine: a warning, a "work" phase, and a "play" phase.

* The warning. Bedtime is an important transition for a child. Children of all ages (and a lot of adults) have difficulty with transitions as a rule. Therefore, to ease your child through this daily transition, it is necessary to give her a warning that bedtime is approaching. Simply say "In a half hour, it will be time to start the routine." It's important that you use the word "routine", even with very young children, because if you encounter resistance at this point, you can always give your child a choice: "You can either do the routine or you can skip it and go straight to bed. What would you like to do?" After the half hour warning, give a fifteen, then a ten and a five minute warning,