Teaching Compassion

Every day we and our children walk by the homeless on the street. When our children are very young we feel especially protective because their instinct is towards empathy: they ask us why that person doesn't have a home, where does that person sleep, and can't we give them some money? And we teach our children from an early age, when these questions first arise, to be careful and make a wide berth in case the person is dangerous. By the time our children reach elementary school, this has probably become an automatic habit, and if the children were asked, they might not even remember walking by a "street person." Psychologists call this phenomenon "desensitization", literally, our children are no longer "sensitive" to those whom they see on the street who are less fortunate than themselves.

Desensitization serves a purpose. It allows us and our children to function in this city. For if our children remained fully "sensitized" they would constantly be in tears over the plight of the homeless, the elderly, the ill. Walking around fully sensitized would be akin to wearing your heart on your sleeve, the pain would be unbearable. In addition, protecting our children from potential danger is a very real responsibility, and we absolutely MUST protect our children. The problem, however, is that while desensitization serves an important purpose, it also reduces our children's natural tendency towards compassion. So for parents in the city, actively teaching compassion to our children becomes a critical task.

To begin, remember that most children are naturally empathetic. To understand what I mean, think about the last time you saw a group of toddlers. If one toddler falls and begins to cry, it often sets off a chain reaction ... soon many, if not all of the toddlers are crying in empathy. This natural empathy can be built upon without endangering your child by talking about the feelings you see your child experiencing when they come across someone in less fortunate circumstances. Recognition of your child's compassionate response helps make her more aware that while it may not be safe to talk to that stranger who happens to be homeless, the person is still a human being and deserves our empathy.

Showing your own feelings is equally important to recognizing your children's feelings. Most of us, however desensitized we too might be, are emotionally moved from time to time (and hopefully more frequently) by those in need whom we see on the streets. Share your feelings with your child so that he has a role model for compassion. Children who grow up in households where feelings are felt (not buried) and talked about become compassionate adults themselves.

Remember that actions speak louder than words. While talking about compassion is important, if we fail to act compassionately our children will only give it lip service themselves. Ask yourself these questions about the ways in which you act:

* Do you contribute time or money to help those less fortunate?

* Do your children witness and participate in your contribution?

* Do you require