Stepping Out Of The Dance

"My daughter is driving me crazy!" Elizabeth complained. "I feel as though I'm constantly disciplining her. She's rude, sneaky and really unpleasant to be around. The other day I found her hiding in the closet using my nail polish, which she knows she's not allowed to do without my permission. I gave her a consequence - I made her take off all the nail polish and told her she couldn't use it for a week, but she didn't even seem to care. It's almost as if when I discipline her about something, she shrugs her shoulders and is off to the next thing."

Elizabeth's frustration is evident. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, our children seem not to listen, not to care, and appear to be determined to push us to our limits. Like Elizabeth, there are times when we wind up feeling as though we don't even like them very much. And what do we do when we know we're using the appropriate techniques, do we give up? Throw in the towel? Decide it must be the technique that's ineffective, or that our child is so difficult it's hopeless? Not necessarily.

Elizabeth, like many of us, is involved in a dance with her daughter. Dancing occurs when you lock in to a pattern of behavior with your child. To determine if you're dancing, ask yourself the following questions:

* Do you use the words "always," and "never" frequently when talking about your child's behavior? (i.e. "She never seems to care when I discipline her," "He's always doing what I ask him not to do.")

* Do you feel that your child doesn't listen to you?

* Have you adopted a consistent strategy for discipline, but it hasn't been working lately?

* Do you feel exasperated, exhausted, helpless or hopeless about your child's behavior?

* Do you feel as though you're repeating yourself or disciplining over and over and over again with no results?

If you answered "yes" to a majority of these questions, then it's likely that you're dancing with your child. If so, it's time to leave the dance floor. To see what I mean, imagine for a moment that you are, quite literally, dancing with someone. Perhaps you're doing the waltz, or maybe a tango. As you dance, you feel your toes getting stepped on again and again. Yet you keep dancing, hoping that your partner will stop stepping on your toes or that your toes won't be too bruised by the end of the dance. Imagine what would happen if you suddenly ducked under your partner's arm and left the dance floor. With no one to dance with, your partner would soon stop dancing. And once you've disengaged from the dance, your toes will stop being sore as well.

If you and your child seem to be repeating the same actions, words and scenarios day after day with no change, it's time to leave the dance floor. Here's how:

1) Determine your normal response to your child in the situations where she's "always" getting to you, "never" listening or