SIBLING DISPUTES: Tieing the score in the "Love and Attention" Game
Parents who have more than one child swing on a pendulum of feelings. Seeing siblings relate well to one another, spontaneously help each other, or share in a loving fashion brings exceptional joy to any parents' heart. On the other hand, when chaos erupts, and one sibling shouts "Mom, he's breathing my air!" followed by a screaming match, even the most warm hearted parent may pause to wonder why they thought having even one child would be a good idea in the first place.
Yet conflict between siblings can be reduced fairly easily, as long as parents keep in mind a few simple guidelines and exhibit self-restraint.
Sibling conflict is primarily about parental attention. Beginning when a new sibling enters the household and continuing throughout the sibling relationship, your children are trying to determine, based upon your responses and actions, whom you love the best. They take many factors into account to figure this out, from the familiar "How come you bought him a packet of pencils and not me," to the more subtle interactions in which parents engage when siblings are conflicting. In truth, it's the more subtle communication that resonates the deepest for our children. Take into consideration the following dialogue:
Johnny and Susan are yelling at one another. Mom enters, and sees Johnny grabbing a notebook out of Susan's hand. Mom says "Johnny! Let go of that notebook ... give it back to Susan right now!" "It's my notebook," yells Johnny, "I don't want her touching it." "I don't care whose notebook it is, this fighting has to stop," replies Mother, "now put the notebook down immediately." Susan lets go of the notebook, and Johnny flings it to the floor, furious. Still trying to make his case he says "It's mine, Mom, and she shouldn't have had it in the first place." Mom, weary of the chaos, remarks "Well Susan, then don't take his notebook. But Johnny, you know better than to grab. Now I don't want to hear another peep from either of you."
In this typical scenario, as in all sibling conflict, once Mother or Father enters the room, Johnny and Susan become far less interested in the conflict itself, and more interested in whose side Mom or Dad is going to take. Their radar for love and attention is turned on. With this in mind, put yourself in the children's shoes for a moment. What would you think about Mom's love? Who does Mom seem to favor here? As you consider these questions, put aside the facts -- that Johnny shouldn't grab and to whom the notebook belongs. When Mom came in, she reacted based on those facts, but in doing so she appeared (at least to Johnny and Susan) to favor Susan. Even her admonition to Susan at the end not to take the notebook was mild compared to the fact that she initially singled out Johnny. At the end of this conflict, the love and attention score is "Susan - One / Johnny - Zero." Next time Johnny will make sure that he gets
