School acceptances: The Agony and the Ecstasy

Depending upon whether your child is entering preschool, on-going (elementary) school, middle school, high school or even college next year, this is the time of "acceptances" and "rejections." You may have already heard whether your child was accepted into a particular school, or you may still be waiting to hear. It is a time of anxiety and dread, of agony and ecstasy. And your child stands to be caught in the middle of a very adult phenomenon and to be burdened by it and suffer unduly because of it.

There are two times of the year when my office is flooded with parental "victims" of the school system here in New York. The first time is in the fall, when children are being interviewed and tested for the next level of schooling. The second time is now, when they are either waiting to hear whether their child has been accepted into a school, or when they've just found out. Regardless of how you feel about the way in which New York's school system operates, it is a system within which your children have to operate, and it is important to have an understanding of how to support them in getting through the acceptance process so that it doesn't undermine their self-confidence. And lest you believe that I'm addressing only those parents whose children did not (or will not) get accepted to the school of their choice, read on. I assure you that even children who did gain entrance into a particular school are at risk for lowered self-esteem unless you handle the matter well.

Applying for and hearing about acceptance into any level of schooling (and not differentiating between public or private) can be a process ridden with anxiety for both parent and child. Children often feel judged and criticized, and pressured to perform at a certain level of ability in order to get into a "good" school. When parents add their overt anxiety into the process, the stress can be overwhelming for the child, and can cause her to doubt her self worth. While you may know in your heart that not getting "accepted" to a certain school doesn't mean that your child is less worthy than others, when you exhibit disappointment, anxiety or other negative emotions about this process aloud, it's likely that your son or daughter will feel rejected and blamed. As difficult as it may be, it's important to keep your negative feelings private so your child isn't burdened by them. Keep the following in mind:

* Don't talk about the school "process" in front of your child unless he brings it up.

* Be attuned to her feelings instead of your own, and acknowledge them in a neutral and accepting way.

* Reassure your child that things will work out (even if you're not sure). If he got into a school, but it wasn't your first choice, emphasize that the school wanted him very much, and affirm how important that is.

* De-emphasize "acceptance" and instead emphasize that you think the school will be a good "match"