Running Off
When children of any age temporarily disappear for any reason -- as in the case of the three year old who dashes off down the street, or the teenager who stays out overnight without phoning -- parents' feelings of panic and fear are unimaginable -- unless you've been through it yourself. Clearly, if a child disappears (at any age) for a long period of time, you must contact the police. But often children run off temporarily, and parents must consider how to handle these incidents based upon the age of their child.
When toddlers and early elementary school aged children run away from us, it's essential that we implement a consequence swiftly in order to teach the lesson that they must remain close by. Beginning with an explanation to the child of the problem will help her internalize the rule as well as impress upon her the seriousness of the situation. An effective explanation can be made in the form of an "I" message: "When you run off, I feel terrified, because it's not safe to be on your own. I want you to stay close, and tell me before you go anywhere." After the explanation is given, the child needs to experience some consequences for her actions. For toddlers or children still in the stroller, you might offer this choice: "Either stay close by or you'll sit in the stroller." If your child is preschool age, but out of the stroller, try this: "Either stay close by or I'll put the harness on you." (Harnesses are available at most drugstores or young children's supply stores, and while I don't believe in using the harness on a consistent basis, I do think it makes an effective consequence for the misbehavior of running off.) The five to seven year old should also receive an "I" message, but the consequence for this age child changes slightly. You might try "Either stay close by me, or you'll be required to hold my hand when we walk on the street." If you anticipate that getting your child to hold your hand will turn into a physical struggle, then it's best to work with a consequence where you take away the next non-mandatory event of the day, for example: "Either stay close by me, or we won't play in the park after school," or "Either stay close by me, or there will be no playdate with Johnny today." The swift carrying out of these consequences is important -- if you hem and haw because you don't want to be "mean" or if you repeat the consequence without carrying through, then your children will likely increase their testing -- just to see if you really mean what you say. Especially because this is an issue of your child's safety, it's important to be firm and take away the playdate (or other consequence) immediately after your child tests you.
For children aged 9 - 12, consequences are also important. However, a new developmental issue comes into play here and should be considered carefully by the parent in addition to
