Maintaining Parental Power And Transmitting Our Values
At a seminar I gave, I spoke about the necessity of transmitting our values to our children, not only with words, but with actions. I talked about the need for children to have limits and for parents to remain firm in their convictions when they made decisions, especially decisions that are based on values. A woman raised her hand and said "But how do we do that? My nine year old daughter wanted to see "Titanic". I saw it: it had nudity, it was a love story and a tragedy, and I felt strongly that it was inappropriate for her. But all her friends saw it, and she wore me down. I finally let her see it." Another woman spoke up. "I believe it's really important that my children take swimming lessons. I signed them up for group lessons, but they insisted that the only way they'd learn to swim was if I gave them private lessons instead. I can't really afford it, but I don't know what else to do."
As these parents spoke, I was struck by how helpless they felt, and how powerful their children must feel. This feeling of powerlessness on the part of parents today is alarming, and it is becoming more and more prevalent. Some parents can't get their child to go to school some days, and with a shrug of their shoulders say "What am I supposed to do, drag my child there?" Others put up with children who won't go to bed until midnight, refuse to do chores, engage in incessant fighting with siblings or use foul language and are rude to the point of bringing their parents to tears. Universally, parents are feeling more and more impotent. They shake their heads, bewildered as to what they should do. This feeling of powerlessness makes it almost impossible for parents to transmit their values to their children. A powerless parent equals a valueless child.
At a time when society is rapidly changing, our ability to transmit our values to our children is gaining primary importance. And we can no longer assume that they will adopt our values simply because we live them. We can no longer assume that we are the primary influence on our children, and that they will automatically respect our opinions. We can no longer count on our children adhering to our limits simply because we're the parents and we said so. They are being told otherwise by far too many outside sources. This means that maintaining our position of power within our homes and being effective in transmitting our values requires that we first and foremost have a clear understanding of what our values are and why.
Many people know that they have values, but they rarely take the time to articulate them. Articulating your values is important when you have children, however, for without doing so, you can't be sure that you're effectively transmitting those values. To help you begin this process, take a moment (with your partner if you have one) to answer the following questions:
* What values
