"I Don't Care!"

"I'm totally stuck," said a mother to me recently. "Every time I try to set a limit with my son, and I tell him how I feel about his behavior, he either ignores me or says in a snotty voice `I don't care!' If I try to follow through with a consequence, and tell him I'm going to take away his Nintendo, he also says `I don't care.' I just don't know how to discipline him. He doesn't care if I do, so it has no impact."

The problem that this woman is experiencing is not uncommon. It stems from the fact that children, of all ages and either gender, are marvelous scientists. Remember your Jr. High and High school science classes? You were taught to formulate a hypothesis and then go about testing to see if it was true or false. Once you'd run enough tests, you could come to a conclusion. Well, children go about this process quite naturally. It's not that children don't like limits, it's that they must experiment to see if the limits are real, and if their parents are serious about enforcing them. This woman's son had formulated a hypothesis that by telling his mother he didn't care - either about her feelings or about the consequences for his behavior - he could derail the discipline. And it worked! Mom took her son's statement at face value and actually believed that her words and actions were having no impact. Not knowing what else to do with a child who doesn't care, she threw up her hands in despair and gave up. For her son, then, the words "I don't care" equaled "no discipline."

Let's take a look at how to turn this situation around, disprove a child's hypothesis and put discipline back in the picture:

* Never take your child's statements at face value. Most children speak in "kid-speak" and most adults speak in "adult-speak." They are two different languages. For a child, the words "I don't care" are a test, and really mean "I want to see if you're serious. Can I have an impact on you by saying these words?" By using this translation, instead of the literal one, you are free to answer with your behavior by following through on discipline, thus providing the answer "Yes, I'm serious, and no, you cannot derail the discipline in this way."

* Remember that children DO care about your feelings, and need limits, even though they may not admit it. The statement "I don't care" tests how easily they can disconnect from you. If you allow that disconnection by giving up on discipline, your child will feel unsafe and vulnerable.

* Refrain from responding to your child's testing. Don't get into an argument about the fact that he should care, or that he'd better care, or even that it doesn't matter if he cares or not. Any response will divert you from setting the limits that you and your child need.

* Plow ahead. Most parents find it easier to move forward with discipline in spite