Homework: The Parental Challenge

Many parents feel extremely challenged by their children's disinterest in and / or adamant refusal to do homework. Having been told by their children's teachers how vital a role they play in their children's success in school, they feel responsible for making their child attend to their homework. Using a variety of techniques, which usually include badgering, threatening, nagging, pleading, demanding, and yelling, among others, they succeed only at alienating their child and inadvertently pushing their child further down the road of rebellion. But what's a parent to do? While we're told to be actively interested, we are not necessarily told how to communicate that interest. Instead of presenting ourselves as helpful, supportive and understanding, we come across as dictators who have no real understanding of our children or their feelings. In other words, we put the homework above our child in importance. Our children wind up feeling misunderstood and even rebellious. So how do we put our child first, yet still get the homework done?

First, maximize your child's chances of success:

* Create time and space for your child to work. Be present if your child wishes you to be.

* Do not correct the homework. That's the teacher's job. If you correct your child, he may become so obsessed with "getting it right" that he might freeze and not be able to complete it at all.

* If your child asks for specific help, try offering to "look it up" with your child in a dictionary, encyclopedia, text, etc. Don't offer specific answers.

* Set up a "work first, play later" routine. While it's probably logistically better if homework follows playing on the schoolyard or having a playdate, once you get home it should come before TV, dinner, telephone time, etc. In this way, you can gently remind the procrastinating child that "When you've done your homework, then you can watch TV."

But what happens when these few things aren't enough? What happens when your child still resists homework and you find yourself frustrated and maybe even angry?

Remember that the most important role you have as a parent is that of listener and empathizer. Many parents side-step addressing their child's feelings about homework for fear that it will either make things worse or not get the job done. But while the skills of listening and empathy may not seem to get you anywhere (or at least not quickly) they are by far the fastest and most direct route to helping your child succeed.

Let me give you a true example of how this works. One parent I know made it a practice to sit with her daughter while doing her homework. One afternoon, the child began to whine "I don't understand this, I can't do it."

"What don't you understand?" said her mother.

"I just don't know what I'm supposed to do." Patiently, the mother tried to explain the directions, but as she did so, her daughter became more and more irritable, "I just don't understand! I hate homework! I hate school" she shouted. Mom began to feel