Talking To Your Children About Death
"We took our cat to the vet for a check-up. Everything was fine, but when we brought him home and opened the travel box that he was in, he was dead. What do I tell my daughter? It was her cat."
"I know it may sound ridiculous, but my son won a fish at a street fair, and three days later it died. He absolutely fell apart. About a fish! I don't know what to say to him."
"My husband died last night. How do I tell our son?"
When a child experiences the death of a person or of a beloved pet, it can be a heart-wrenching experience for everyone. As parents, there are many things we can do prior to our children experiencing this kind of loss which can help them understand death and ultimately ease the heartache when they experience it.
The topic of death is difficult for most people. It is something most of us would prefer not to think about. It brings to mind our own mortality, perhaps, or reminds us of the grief we've experienced when someone we loved died. Because it is so difficult to think about, most parents wait until their children experience a death before confronting the issue and discussing what death means. This is a mistake. Children have more difficulty processing the "why" of a loved one dying when they are in the midst of coping with the shock of the event itself. In addition, when someone or something your child loves dies, it's likely that you will grieve too. Many parents, caught up in their own grief, fail to recognize their child's needs and to support their children through the grieving process.
Just as you teach your child about the other issues that life presents, so too must you teach your child about the end of life. There are many opportunities to begin this education. The seasons of the year, for example, provide an excellent medium to discuss the beginnings and endings which are a part of life's cycle. You can also look around for "teachable moments": a dead bird on the street, a neighbor's dog dying, a moment on a video to which your child has been exposed - all of these can provide a springboard to introduce whatever your beliefs are about death to your child.
In addition, at various times in their lives, children experience curiosity or concern about death. These, too, are opportunities to explore the meaning of death with children. For example, when your three or four year old becomes obsessed with graveyards, and wants you to stop the car on your family vacation so he can stare solemnly at tombstones, it is your chance to recognize his curiosity, to ascertain whether he has any questions, and to explain your views about death based upon your religious beliefs. When your six or seven year old suddenly becomes concerned that you will die when he's at school or asleep, this is an opportunity to acknowledge his feelings of fear, to explore with him what death means and
