When Your "Ex" Is A "Jerk"

Do you have joint custody with a "jerk?" Is your ex uncooperative and difficult? You're not alone. And the task of raising a child - negotiating the details of visitation, school, money, health issues, etc. with a an uncooperative ex-spouse is, more than likely, the most difficult task you've ever faced. If your ex is a jerk, then when you say "black," she says "white." World War III erupts when you speak with him. Her maturity has regressed to the level of an eight year old. His values are so different from yours that you can't believe you ever married him in the first place. And if your ex is a jerk, then your reaction to him or her is likely to be highly emotionally charged. Your heart may race, your palms may become sweaty, you may clench your jaw or fists at the very mention of your ex's name.

If this sounds familiar, then here's some practical advice which may lighten your load, keep your child out of your battles, and give you some emotional distance.

* Choose your battles. This sage advice not only holds true when dealing with your child, but also with your ex. Before going to war with all your guns blazing, ask yourself if this is something that's really worth fighting for, or if you're only digging in your heels because your ego is involved. Richard's wife, Ann, abandoned him and their infant son. Five years later, she reestablished contact, began paying child-support and requesting visitation. Ann lived in a different town, and asked Richard if he would share the driving responsibilities with her. Richard was furious because he thought that it should be entirely her responsibility. In reframing it for him, I asked him what would happen if his son had a good friend who moved to a different town? Would he be willing to make the drive for his son to see the friend - at least half the time? Put in this context, Richard saw that he was only resisting because he was still so angry and hurt at his ex. Unfortunately, this misdirected anger will only wind up hurting the child. Sometimes reframing a situation - asking yourself how you would feel if the issue involved someone other than your ex - can put it in perspective and help you choose your battles. You might also consider whether this is a battle that can be won, or if it will inevitably end in a stalemate. Then save your energy for the really important issues.

* Limit contact with your ex. Susan discovered that every time she spoke with her ex - even about the simplest issues - he would blow up at her, calling her names, degrading her in every possible way. Invariably, she'd leave these encounters angry and defensive. She'd create scenarios in her head to get back at him. Then, the next time they spoke, she already had an angry, defensive tone in her voice, which usually escalated his reaction and perpetuated the cycle. Eventually, she discovered that it was