Rebuilding A Relationship That's Hit Rock Bottom

In order to get a relationship that's "gone dry" back to a healthy state, the parent must first begin to fill up the well. Often, this goes against a parent's instincts at the moment because the parent has become as angry as the child. However, unless the adult begins this process, the child cannot be expected to change. I encourage parents to start by making written deposits into the relationship. When we express ourselves verbally to an angry child they're likely to tune us out. Parental "love notes" left on a child's pillow at night or on their dresser for them to find in the morning do a lot towards repairing a broken relationship. Words like "I love you," or "I'm sorry our relationship is suffering a bit right now, I love you anyway" are extremely helpful. Ignoring your child's sarcastic comments about the notes is also important. Your child is simply testing you to see if you mean what you say about loving them - and if your emotional bank account has run dry then this is not a test you can afford to fail by snapping back at them! Other ways to make deposits might include taking your child out to lunch or dinner by themselves, remembering to keep criticism out of the conversation, and just to listen (if your child is even willing to talk to you). Besides making deposits like these, however, the parent must also cut down on the number of withdrawals she's making. Otherwise it's like trying to use an eye dropper to fill up a forty gallon barrel. Try writing down a list of things that are making withdrawals from your relationship with your child that you can let go of. The mother of the preadolescent son, for example, decided that it didn't matter how he set the table, only that he set it. She made a promise to herself not to nag him about his clothes being all over the floor. Rather than yell at him about making his bed, she simply shut the door of his room so she wouldn't have to look at it.

An excellent guideline to follow if you find that the emotional bank account with your child is running low, is to ask yourself before you interact with your child: Will what I'm about to say or do build this relationship or will it make a withdrawal? Often we say well-meaning things to our children out of worry or concern - like "Did you get all of your homework done?" or "How come you're not going to the school dance?" - not realizing that for a relationship with an empty bank account even these seemingly benign remarks are withdrawals.