Rebuilding A Relationship That's Hit Rock Bottom

As I listened to the mother of the preadolescent son, I could tell that she was trying to make withdrawals from an empty account. She was lecturing her son about neatness and responsibility, she was attempting to discipline him when he failed to do a chore, she was nagging him, "losing it" and yelling at him constantly. Her opinion of him was negative - and it was clear that her judgmental attitude came through in her communication with him. All of these things take a little bit out of our relationship with our kids. Other things make withdrawals as well -- the crises and emergencies that impact our families from time to time, as well as our efforts to steer our children in the right direction through teaching them. Normally, a parent's relationship with their child is strong enough to handle these things, because it is balanced in some way with the deposits we've put into the account. Deposits are made when we convey to our children that we trust them and when we show them respect, even if their opinions differ from ours. When we spend time together as a family, and make an effort to have one-on-one time with each of our children we're also making deposits. Positive physical contact, encouragement of a child's gifts, talents and efforts, laughing with them and having fun together are other relationship builders. When we show them that we are willing to listen to them and take them seriously without interrupting, sharing our opinion or judging them we're also making deposits into our emotional bank account with them so that we can also carry out the parental "duties" of giving them chores, disciplining and teaching them. In order for the relationship to function in a healthy way, there must be enough "deposits" so that we can make withdrawals when it's necessary. Otherwise, it becomes as fruitless as trying to get water from a dry well.