Avoiding Power Struggles

There isn't a parent in the world who hasn't, at one time or another, found themselves locked in mortal combat with a child, struggling for power. From the minute a child can pronounce the word "no" straight through and including adulthood, parents find the notion of power -- what kind, how much, and when to give it -- a frustrating and sometimes overwhelming challenge.

When our children are infants power is not an issue. For one thing, they can't talk back, for another they are so small that we easily dominate them. We, the parents, have the power in the relationship. No ifs, ands or buts. Or do we have the power?

Who determines when the infant eats, who has the power there? Well, the infant. How about who determines when the infant sleeps? Who has the power there? Again, the infant. Who determines when the infant plays or is picked up? At least for the infants whose parents are trying to be attuned to their baby's needs, again the answer would be...the infant. Maybe the reason that parents think they have the power when their children are infants is because it seems so natural. Maybe it's simply the STRUGGLE for power that doesn't exist at that stage. It seems natural that we should feed the baby when he's hungry, let her sleep when she's tired, play with him or pick him up when he cries. And when things seem natural, there is a give and take, a flow of power that shifts back and forth between parent and baby.

Then, the infant becomes a toddler. They're still small enough for us to dominate them physically, but suddenly they're mobile -- and FAST! For their safety, limits must be set. Those limits are generally set with the word "no". Who has the power when the word "no" is used? Well, the user. In this case, the adult. "No, honey, don't touch that." "Hey, get out of there, that's a no-no." "I said 'no!'" Powerful statements using powerful words. Mom or Dad have the power. The "flow" of power that felt so natural during infancy disappears.

Then, the toddler learns to talk. If you surveyed 100 parents and asked them what their child's first word was, I would conservatively estimate that at least 50 would say the word was "no". And the remaining 50 would name the word "no" when asked to list the child's first 10 words. "Honey, it's time to eat." "NO!", "Nap time, come on let's go." "NO!", "Time to go bye-bye." "NO!" VIOLA! The power struggle is born. From this time forward it seems as though life becomes a series of struggles over who is in control. Many times the issue in itself is not being fought over, it's the POWER that each side really wants. But things aren't all bad. Power struggles don't really dominate our lives with our children. After all, there are those moments when we say "Time to put your coat on" and our child says "O.K." Or we say "You know, hon, I really