School Strategies: Working With Your Child's Teachers

"My daughter's teacher asked me to look over her homework on a nightly basis. Apparently, she's been handing in sloppy work that sometimes isn't complete. But now all we do is fight over the homework. It's just not working, and I don't know what to do!"

"My son's teacher told me he's been playing rough on the playground. She asked me to speak to him, but I'm not sure what good that's going to do."

When teachers ask parents to get involved in the issues that come up for kids in school, it often creates more problems than it solves. Children can become resentful and more rebellious than before. Parents become angry and frustrated when their well-intentioned efforts fail to work. The parent-child relationship begins to deteriorate. Even worse, the child's behavior at school or the quality of their homework fails to change for the better. The reason that things often get worse instead of better is that when the teacher has a problem with a child the solution for solving that problem is best left in the hands of it's "owner" - the teacher.

In a sense, however, teachers are stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's not that they don't know how to handle these issues themselves, it's that they often feel disempowered to do so. Consider the following scenario, told to me by a teacher in a local elementary school. A group of five children were acting up during lunchtime. Though they'd been told to stay in their seats several times, they blatantly disregarded instructions, running around and knocking into chairs, tables and other children. At one point they even knocked a child's lunch tray out of his hands. Finally, the lunchroom monitor told them they had to either sit down or stay inside during recess. All five of them ended up having to stay inside. The next morning, four out of the five parents of the children involved called the school office irate that their children had been kept inside on a nice day. They screamed at the principal and the teacher and demanded an apology on the part of the lunchroom monitor. No wonder teachers are reluctant to handle misbehavior, and even sloppy homework! Giving the problem back to the parent must often feel like their only recourse. As a parent who wants to maintain a good relationship with your child, however, there are ways to leave the solution to the problem where it belongs -- in the hands of the teacher:

* Listen to the problem. When your child's teacher approaches you with a concern about your child's homework or behavior listen without interrupting. Many parents feel a sense of panic and anger towards their child in that moment. Rather than jump to conclusions, listening and asking for more information when you don't understand will help you get an idea of the big picture.

* Delay your response. Remember that you don't have to respond right away. When the teacher finishes talking to you, and perhaps even asks you to get involved by checking