Disagreements And The "THINK - FEEL - DO" Cycle

Disagreements among children are common, and may be looked upon as a normal part of the socialization process. Yet too frequently they also represent a missed opportunity for parents to teach their children something about relationships, and to help their children engage in healthy communication with others.

Often, a simple misunderstanding begins a negative cycle of behavior on the part of all the children involved that can escalate into a more serious disagreement and sometimes even break up a friendship. In order for us to help our children break out of that cycle, it's helpful to understand how negative cycles are perpetuated.

We call the cycles that occur in our lives "THINK - FEEL - DO" cycles. Let's take a look at a disagreement between two children and see how a "THINK - FEEL - DO" cycle works, and how parents can help the children can break into that cycle so that a disagreement isn't perpetuated.

Two children, Samantha and Erica, agree to split the cost of a candy bar, but only Samantha has money with her. Erica agrees to pay Samantha back, but several days go by and she still owes Samantha the money. Samantha feels frustrated and angry that Erica has not mentioned the money she owes her.

This "scenario" is what we call the "EVENT" in a "THINK - FEEL - DO" cycle. When an event happens, many people believe that the feelings they have (in this case Samantha's frustration and anger) are a result of the event. And when we have feelings, it's not uncommon to act upon them -- to "DO" something with our feelings:

Because Samantha feels so frustrated and angry at Erica, she decides that she's not going to speak to her at school the next day. In addition, she calls a mutual friend and complains about Erica, calling her "selfish" and "greedy."

Samantha's action -- not speaking to Erica at school and calling their friend to complain about her -- represents the "DO" part of the "THINK - FEEL - DO" cycle. When we take action based upon our feelings, the thing that we "DO" then perpetuates the next EVENT in the second round of cyclical behavior:

Erica is bewildered when Samantha won't speak to her the next day at school. Then, she learns that Samantha called her "selfish" and "greedy." In turn, she tells a classmate that Samantha is "stupid" and not worth being friends with.

This represents the NEXT EVENT in the second round of this disagreement. As you can see, when the children's feelings are negative, it's highly likely that their behavior will be negative (the "DO" in the cycle) and this triggers a second negative event. Negative feelings perpetuate negative cycles in this manner.

The question is, does it need to be this way? How can parents help children break out of these negative cycles and engage in healthier behavior? The answer lies in identifying a portion of the cycle that is frequently ignored -- our thoughts about the event. Our thoughts about the events that happen in our lives